- Сено?
- Нет.
- Хворост?
- Нет.
- Дрова?
- Конечно, везет он дрова. И вот подходит крестьянка к нему и говорит:
"Эй, мужик, дай дерну за яйца!"
Папа спрашивает у пришедшего домой Вовочки.
-Ты какие сегодня в школе оценки получил ?
- Два по физкультуре :-(.
После КОНКРЕТНОЙ взбучки папа спрашивает:
- А за что ?
Вовочка:
- Учитель говорит "Поднимите левую ногу", потом "поднимите правую ногу"
Отец с огромным удивлением :
-Так ты что , на х;%ю стоять чтоли должен ???!!!!
Вовочка понуро:
-Я у него тоже самое спросил.... :-(
1. У РЕСТОРАНI
- Чому сьогоднi такi маленькi порцii? Вчора вони були двiчi бiльшi.
- А де ви вчора сидiли?
- Ось там, бiля вiкна.
- Тодi все зрозумiло. Вiдвiдувачам, якi сидять бiля вiкна, ми даемо
в два раза бiльше. Це - реклама.
2. РОБIН ГУД
Учитель: Чому Робiн Гуд грабував тiльки багатих?
Учень: Тому що в бiдных нiчого не було.
3. ЖИТТЯ
- Це правда, що одруженi живуть довше, нiж неодруженi?
- Нi, це iм життя здаеться довшим.
A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her
husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore,
and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an
experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give
her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell
her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that
the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She
asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two
pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try
it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the
therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what
would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she
doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the
therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen
if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says
she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what
a full bottle could do to a person.
Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of
the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee. A week later, a
boy walks into the therapist's office and says:
"Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother the bottle of experimental
pills?"
"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass is killing me, and
dad's runnin' around the house yellin' "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty."
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The
clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good,
you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look
through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house",the
man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then
he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll
give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot
my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another
look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that
with one shot!"
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.
The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I
found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't
mine!"
The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I
found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my
sewing needle!" The third woman fainted.
One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not
finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to
check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his
father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his
mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to
traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Billy
watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and
have a horsie ride?"
"Of course, Son, we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few
more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on
Dad!",
cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping
sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to
his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making
noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on
him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well I'm
bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin
again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says,
"Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by
after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up.
Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with
another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy
her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:
Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me,
and is good in bed.
About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man
with no arms and legs on her front porch.
"I'm here about your ad," he says.
"You must be mistaken," she says.
"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And
can't run away, because I don't have any legs."
"But," she asks,"How do I know you're good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
This guy walks into a whore house and goes up to the lady at the
front desk. "What can I get for a buck?" he says. She looks at him
and says,"Go to the last room at the end of the hall and we'll have a
girl waiting for you."
So he heads on down the hall and goes into the last room there is.
Low and behold sitting spread-eagle, naked on the bed is this
beautiful blonde just waiting. Without further ado, the guy drops his
pants and starts going to town.
He's working her over with everything he's got thinking of how good
a bargain it was, even though she was being kinda quiet. He keeps
going and then...he has one of the greatest orgasms of his life but
right as he finishes, white stuff starts coming out of her nose, her
mouth and her ears.
Well the guys freaks out and goes flying out of the room and back to
the front desk while putting his clothes back on. He starts yelling
until the lady comes up to the front desk. Then he tells her how all
of that white stuff was spurting out of the girl he was getting it on
with.
Hearing this, the lady at the front desk turns to the door behind her
and yells,"Herb! The dead one's full again!!!"
A young teenager girl enters a shop and asks for condoms. The shop-owner
can't believe his eyes: "Condoms at your age? Look: there is still milk
on your face!". "It isn't milk", she answers
While auditioning for a job, a pianist played one of his own
compositions. "That's beautiful," the lounge owner enthused.
"What do you call it?"
"Rip Off Her Clothes and Screw Her Doggy Style," the pianist
replied. The owner told the musician to play another piece,
which was equally beautiful. When asked the title, the pianist
replied, "Shove Your Dick in Her Mouth and Whistle a Happy Melody."
"Look, I love your music," the owner said, "but I'll hire you only if
you keep your song titles to yourself."
The pianist agreed and began to work that night. After his first set,
he got up to go to the men's room. On his way back, a customer
stopped him.
"Excuse me, do you know your fly's unzipped and your cock is
hanging out?"
"Know it?" the pianist exclaimed. "I wrote it!!!"
A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas
to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to
his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who
couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy
asked the stewardess , "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess
asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. So
she said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."
Young Johnny went to see the circus for the first time with his parents.
While his father was off buying popcorn, his mother took him to see the
wild animals. He was fascinated at the lions, tigers, and bears, but
when he saw the elephants, his curious nature was awakened. "Mommy," he
asked, "what is that long thing hanging down between the elephants' legs?"
Embarrassed, his mother quickly replied, "Oh, that's nothing".
Unsatisfied, he patiently awaited his father's return, and as soon as
Mom was out of earshot, he repeated his question, "what is that long thing
hanging down between the elephants' legs?" His father confidently
replied, "Why, that's his penis, son". Confused, the boy then asked his
father,
"Then why did Mommy say it was nothing?"
"Son." the father replied, "your mother is spoiled".
Not long after that, young Johnny was taking a walk through the park
with his dad, when they happened upon two dogs in the middle of the act.
Curiosity sparked, he asked his father, "Dad, what are they doing?"
Determined to give a real answer, his father told him quite plainly, "They
are making love. That is how they make the puppies". This answer
seemed to satisfy him. Later that evening, however, he happened to walk
in on his
parents in the middle of lovemaking. "Daddy", he asked, "what are you
doing to Mommy?" "Remember the doggies this afternoon, son? This is
how people make love. We're making a little sister for you".
"Daddy", Johnny said, "flip Mommy over. I want a puppy instead."
:) :)
1.
- Тук-Тук...
- Кто там ?
- Смерть.
- Ну и что ?
- Ну и все !
2.
Идет опрация. Хирург оперирует больного.
Из-под стола:
- Мяу !!!
Хирург:
- Брысь !
Опять из-под стола :
- Мяуууу !!!
Хирург:
- Да на, отвяжись.
И еще один :
Лето. Жара. Одесса. Идет негр по улице. Солнце в голову
печет, губы рассохлись...
Спустился он к морю смотрит золотая рыбка, поймал ее быстренько,
а она ему:
- Отпусти меня, три желания выполню.
Негр:
- Так во-первых хочу стать белым, во-вторых хочу, чтобы на
моих коленях всегда сидели женщины, и в третьих хочу, чтобы
рядом всегда текла холодная водичка.
И исполнила золотая рыбка его желания: теперь негр стал белым унитазом
в женском туалете.
Сидит в песочнице маленькая девочка в нарядном платьице и лаковых
туфельках и что-то нервно запихивает себе в рот. Какой-то мужик проходит мимо
и спрашивает:
- А что это ты жуешь, девочка?
- Не знаю. Оно само приползло.
Анекдот из недавнего прошлого всеобщего дифицита:
(П)родавец стоит скучает за прилавком и тут
в магазин заходит (Д)отошный покупатель:
(Д) - Скажите, докторская колбаса есть?
(П) - Есть...
(Д) - А копченная есть?
(П) - Есть...
(Д) - А мясо свинное есть?
(П) - Есть...
(Д) - А говяжье?
(П) - Есть...
(Д) - А сыр голандский?
(П) - Есть...
(Д) - А ветчина?
(П) - Есть...
(Д) - А икра красная?
(П) - И черная есть...
(Д) - Да Вы надо мной издеваетесь!!!
(П) - А Вы первый нначали!
Вот, вспомнилось:
Останавливает ГАИшник водилу и говрит:
-Та-а-а-к: скорость превышаете?
- Да нет, помилуйте, да у вас-то и радара нетути...
